https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c87rtgF5bY
I knew a man in Altadena, CA who was quietly bankrupting his young family, jealously paying real money for virtual "powers" and strategic extras for his Marvel Comics "Contest of Champions" games. Today, after hours sifting through my comics ransacking the longboxes for copies to sell or throw out, googling Daredevil to see what the first appearance of fucking Bushwacker was worth, I was for some reason led awry by that pied piper the Internet into a wholly unanticipated woodland glade around about midnight. The demon bade me view a video on Youtube, a video of Contest of Champions. Having wondered what the fuss was, why our aforementioned friend was so recklessly selling his young family out for transient pleasures in an unreal realm, I looked at the sample game.
My nephew does this habitually. He watches people playing computer games online for hours. It's a generational quirk. To me and my antediluvian pre-reptile skull that's about as interesting as watching somebody merrily masturbate –– or like tuning in faithfully to watch the colourful halfwits of Gogglebox. I'd sooner sit down with a fist hatchet and bang holes into my face.
First section features Ms. Marvel beating the shit out of poor old Magneto. It ain't dignified. Personally I say Magneto deserves more reverence than this. He's an old man. He's done his time in the hard scrum. He survived the Holocaust they say –– although they may have to retcon that at some point, like Frank Castle participating in Vietnam. Magneto must be pushing eighty and Frank ain't far behind. It's becoming untenable. So there was that Tea Party lesbian Ms. Marvel punching and kicking an octogenarian Jewish gentleman a Holocaust survivor who also happens to be a mutant. The soundtrack is the dull grunting of a man being ferociously beaten up.
Incidentally, couldn't Magneto simply stop the flow of blood in Ms. Marvel's brain causing her to suffer a haemorrhage? Instead they fling each other about like it was a barfight. With these silly inappropriate actions I am reminded of the Marvel Top Trumps where that lumbering punchdrunk bum Apocalypse can easily beat Dr. Doom. It ain't right. As the late Mark Gruenwald would say, the continuity is lacking. But Trump is in the White House so what can you say, it's a world turned upside down.
All right nobody cares got it. Anyway the second bout is Dr. Strange versus Ms. Marvel and this is where it gets really silly. Doctor Strange, that sophisticated, refined, cerebral, enlightened, purified and very learned scholar of the mystical arts, swaggers into the nuclear wasteland that serves as a smackdown cagematch arena in this heat, and he starts to guess what kicking the shit out of Ms Marvel.
It is not elegant, it is not polite, it is not decent and worst of all it is not plausible. Doctor Strange doesn't classically favour karate kicks in his daily perambulations, especially not on that hard-bitten drunken slattern Carol Danvers. She'd wipe the floor with him all right, that rough hard vulgar brawler that fishwife, if only he couldn't send her to a distant dimension with but the wave of a digit. That digit being the so-called pinkie.
To sum up it was like the Charlie Poole song, "Husband and Wife Were Angry One Night."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub5WxUbc5yc
They should have that playing in the background as the slugfest goes on –– instead of having the weirdly realistic sound of Ms. Marvel grunting while she is being pummeled.
